A significant part of my coaching practice deals with all kinds of fears. The reason is simple; if the fear is running your life, you’ll not find inner peace and happiness. The inner peace will show up in fleeting moments just to be replaced with the next fearful thought.
The fear I refer to is any thought or emotion based on limiting beliefs, ego, illusions, and has nothing to do with the real state of things. One way to know with certainty that what you experience is fear is to observe your emotions. Any tension and negative emotion is a clear sign that the fear is present in your life.
In 2011, I was stuck in a fear-town. I was studying a major just out of fear that later I’d not find a paying job if I’d become a life coach. Although I liked studying business, it wasn’t my life calling. I was also staying longer-than-necessary in a relationship because I was scared to end it as the first one. A good girl shouldn’t leave the man, right? Even if she isn’t happy.
I was scared allowing myself to do what I loved the most – writing and helping people. It reached a point when I felt completely stuck and was panic afraid that it would never change. The longer I stayed in that place, the more real it felt and the less power I had to change it. Until the universe intervened and turned my life upside down to force me deal with my fears.
It doesn’t have to get so dramatic for you. But each time, we allow our fear to run our lives there is a price to pay.
A prevalent price we pay for staying in a fear-town is being unhappy, feeling that we waste our lives, moodiness, experiencing unnecessary drama, or the worse of all, feeling empty and resigned.
Everyone experiences fear. Therefore, we become blind to see the ways it holds its grip on us.
5 Clear signs of fear running your life
- Being judgmental. Judging ourselves and others is so familiar in our society that we don’t even pay attention to it anymore. We consider it normal. But any thought based on judgment is another step to feeling separated from others and feeling alone. When we create assumptions about other people and their motives, we can hastily judge them. Each judgment returns to us. How? We’re the ones who feel miserable. No amount of complaining and judging will make us feel good. The underlying fear is the concern that we’re not enough and perfect. Thus we want to elevate our own value (in our minds) by lowering someone’s else. When I put it this way it may not makes sense. But our subconscious mind which is the home of fearful thoughts works with irrationality.
- Living in a rut. Having stability in our life is paramount. But it doesn’t mean that we have to live in a habitual way that doesn’t make us feel alive. Ideally, we feel the source of our stability within ourselves, and thus we feel free and ecstatic to explore more hobbies, places, finding the career we like. The only barometer of telling if the way you live is out of fear is observing your feelings. If you wake up excited (most of the mornings) to go and create something amazing and really enjoy your day, then you’re on a right path. But if you feel unmotivated and depleted even about thinking of your day then it’s time to check out your fear-based stories and change it.
- Being stuck in some situation. Another clear sign is if you stay in a relationship or job out of fear. This is very easy to tell if you imagine yourself being somewhere else and you wish you could change your situation. I entirely understand that we can feel stuck sometimes. But I also know that it’s isn’t because you wouldn’t have the capacity to change your situation. It’s only because the critical inner voice is louder than the whispers of your heart. Learn to read your mind is crucial. Because when you uncover the ways, it controls your thinking, you’ll also discover the ways how to step out that vicious circle.
- Not saying clearly what we want. It’s a bit funny when you step back and have a look at life from a broader perspective. Many of us don’t say our opinions because of fear to hurt someone’s feeling or that someone wouldn’t approve us. But at the same time those same people we fear to have someone else in their lives who they fear too. Thus we all keep each other a hostage. What a funny, absurd game, right? The truth is that we were born with feelings and dreams and we’re the only ones who can make them come true. That’s why we’re here. You can watch a TEDx talk on how to find life purpose here. When you act from your heart, simultaneously, you’ll also inspire and heal others. The world is wired this easy and natural way. We just complicate it.
- Feeling stressed. Stress is, first of all, a condition of mind. We feel stressed and anxious when we push ourselves into wrong things.Or right things but we’re driven by the fear that we’ll not succeed thus we add the speed and extra work. Either case our mind and body are misaligned. We feel stressed when we rush too much or when we postpone and avoid things we don’t really want to do. It’s imperative to look at our life to see what is the source of our stress and then take action to change it. If you want you can download a free pdf to help you reduce your stress.
How to let go of your fears?
Luckily, there are many ways you can learn to let go of your fear. They all take the willingness to take charge of your life thus not everyone is willing to do it. But anyone can change their situation.
When you learn how to deal with your fears, it’ll not make them disappear all at once. It’s a process, and I believe as long as we’re alive, we’ll always have some fears. But you can learn to become the CEO of your mind and train yourself to observe them and then release them without getting yourself involved in the fear-based stories and let them rule your life.
The first step is to become mindful of your fears. This is something that you can practice and become an observer of what is going on in your mind.
You’ll notice that after an argument, you’ll realize why you acted with anger. You’ll understand that deep behind your words was a hidden fear that made you say what you did.
Later, you’ll catch yourself during the argument. And with more practice, you’ll be able to see where the situation would go and how the fear wants to push you into saying cruel words. Moreover, you’ll become alert of other people’s fear and you’ll begin to read their true motives. Thus, you’ll set yourself freer out of reacting to situations.
Of course, meditation helps to become an observer of your mind. If you want to speed up the whole process a lot, you can also find some specialist you’d help you. We all have some areas which we’re not willing to give up and where the fears keep us stuck. For many, it’s the area of romantic relationships and money or both. It helps to have someone you can trust who guides you and help you see the connection and give you the tools to change it.