The major roadblock to building self-confidence
Among the many differences between men and women, there is one that strikes me the most. Men usually focus on themselves – on what they want. While women focus on others. This may look nice and sweet. We support and nourish others. But there is also a downside to focusing more on others.
As women, we perceive others as the source of our self-confidence and give them the power to decide for us. That’s why women lose themselves in the relationship easier than men and why men feel like they need to run away to have some space for their thoughts and life (which is, let’s face it, understandable).
I can see this behavior all around me. It’s the woman who dresses to catch the attention of men – any men. Or the wife who doesn’t open her wings because she has to take care of the household. It’s the gifted young woman who wants to study arts but chooses not to because her parents don’t think it’s practical. The girlfriend who is jealous and insecure when her man talks to another woman.
We develop low self-confidence when we base how our value on what others think about us.
We’ve all been there at some point in life. Since being little, we’ve been rewarded when we were nice and obeyed adults, teachers, and anyone else. If we don’t act as we “should,” then immediately, we’re labeled as rebellious, ugly, stubborn, or selfish.
Do you fear to be called selfish?
The word selfish is a potent weapon. If a mother tells her daughter that she is selfish when she wants money for attending piano lessons, then the girl who loves her mom stops dreaming about playing the piano. She feels wrong to have hobbies and to follow her heart. Little by little, she ceases to create something beautiful in her life.
As she wants to win her mother’s approval and love, she becomes empty inside. For she believes that her desires are wrong.
And this is the world we’re in. We’ve been taught to suppress our true selves, so we better fit in. Women are wired differently than men. Our centerpiece of the universe is others. It’s others who hold a sword above our heads and hearts to decide our worth.
We’ve traded our happiness and wilderness for acceptance and approval.
How to build self-confidence
Based on my experience, there is one lasting and secure way out of the vicious circle. Focus on yourself, your dreams, and how you want to feel regardless of anyone else. And don’t pay attention to the accusations of being selfish.
Selfish is when someone wants you to be as it best suits them. Thus the person accusing you of being selfish is very likely the selfish one. When you fill your cup first, you feel content and energized then you radiate kindness and inner beauty to others.
Remember that shining your light heals others.
So when you feel insecure about other people, stop thinking about them. Return your full attention to your body and feelings. Choose the way you want to feel at that moment.
Pretend like others are not there and if you ‘re going to take it a step further, bless them. Bless their kind heart, praise their inner beauty, and you’ll become more loving.
If someone tells you what you should do and something deep inside is screaming; “No!” then remind yourself that you don’t have to do it.
You always have a choice. There is no need to let yourself be manipulated into any decision. Thank them for expressing their opinions but tell them firmly that it doesn’t resonate with you.
When you argue with your partner, remind yourself that you can choose to feel differently. You don’t have to spend your time this way. Perhaps you can take yourself to a coffee place and tell him that you can talk once you both cool down.
Don’t let yourself be drawn into any situation where you don’t want to be.
With a little bit of practice, you’ll feel the sense of self-confidence that no one can shake off. Because others aren’t your source of happiness anymore. Become the source of what you seek. And you can always choose the way you feel.
The key step to build self-confidence is to take your attention from others. Practice returning your attention to your dreams, the way you want to feel, and learn to find your balance when you start to doubt yourself.
Because when you believe in yourself and your goals, then you inspire others to do the same.
You can download a FREE printable 4-step guide to help you Build Your Self-Confidence and Self-Worth.