Common Mistakes with Boundaries
The first step to building strong boundaries is to realize what a healthy boundary is not. You may have seen someone getting emotionally triggered when you said what you liked. It could have been a parent, teacher, friend, etc. Typically, no one taught us how to build strong boundaries, so we had to figure it out independently.
We naturally start to build strong boundaries as teenagers. It’s time we sincerely question the authorities and try to define our sense of self against them. Although this is essential to psychological development, it must be polished and refined later. However, many of us didn’t see good examples of healthy boundaries. Therefore, we may freeze in a teenage-like or even little child reaction.
Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries
An unhealthy boundary looks like using the emotion of upset and anger to get our point across. These behaviors come from the teenage years. There is this upset, often rebellious teenage self inside trying to fight against everyone. Those people are loud, and they may even feel intimidating to others. We aren’t centered on our true selves when we use anger to set boundaries. As a result, we may push certain boundaries even if we don’t want that thing we tell others we won’t. We may say no to something out of principles because we said so, but is really the best solution?
Similarly, we can also cut off contact with people to feel in control. We may withdraw from others, which may look like a boundary, but it’s a wound playing out. To build strong boundaries, we need to heal the inner teenage self. Help them feel more empowered and teach them what a natural, balanced use of power looks like.
We can also create boundaries from a wounded inner child’s energy. This would look like not speaking our minds because we want others to like us (just like our parents). Or we let others decide things for us – again, a child-like response because we don’t feel we can choose. We can also blame others for what we feel. To build strong boundaries, support your inner child. Make them feel safe and loved. Realize that other people aren’t your parents. They aren’t responsible for what you do with your life.
How to Build Strong Boundaries
Building strong boundaries lies in 3 principles – emotional, mental, and energetic. We discussed the emotional aspect above. Here we have to become clear on who is setting our boundaries. Is it the inner child or the inner teenager? Is it an inner victim? First, identify which part of you makes poor boundaries and then systematically work on healing them. To do that, you can use various healing techniques, like inner child work, journaling, and guided integration exercises. (If you look for support in doing this, you can schedule coaching sessions with me). Now, let’s look at the mental and energy way of building strong boundaries.
Integrity with Your Decisions
To build strong boundaries, we need to be integrity with our decisions. It means that we look for solutions that are for the highest good. Thus, those choices don’t come from a place of fear, ego, or emotional wounding. They come from a balanced, centered space.
We naturally build strong boundaries when we make decisions from a balanced place. Such a decision isn’t what is convenient. It’s not necessarily the easiest thing to do and is not what the unbalanced ego wants us to do. Decisions also shouldn’t be based on what others want us to do because we need to step into our sovereignty and see whether it’s aligned with the inner truth. It’s the thing we deep down believe is for the highest good.
Naturally, our perception of the highest good is limited and subjective. Still, we try to reach such a level of a decision based on our intuition, inner guidance, and experience. Once we gain internal clarity about the decisions, building strong boundaries is easy. We know ourselves; we know what we want and why. This is the mindset of a king and a queen – the archetypes symbolizing the Higher Self.
We naturally build strong boundaries when we don’t “bend” our aura. When we stop making excuses to ourselves and others, we’re always in integrity with our decisions, and therefore our boundaries feel good.
Bring Clarity into Your Energy
Building strong boundaries is about finding alignment with our inner truth. This makes the aura solid and resilient; others can feel it, too, and thus, they respect you. Having weak boundaries means we lack inner clarity. We don’t know where we stand on the topic. Or we generally don’t yet know ourselves. That’s why others can move us around because, internally, we’re like balloons, not knowing where to fly.
To build strong boundaries, look at your values in life. What is non-negotiable for you? Once you’re clear on that, think about your priorities in life. For instance, your family is your top priority. When a boss pushes you to work overtime or weekends, you know that it’s not aligned with your priority. Therefore you have to communicate it from a centered space clearly.
Next, contemplate what you want. How do you want to spend your life? What do you want to create? Which decisions feel aligned with it, and which are distracting from your ultimate vision?
Ultimately, take some concrete situation in your life where boundaries feel challenging. Now, what would the highest solution that honors your inner truth look like?
Making exceptions to our values and inner truth doesn’t feel good because we leak energy. This weakens the aura and can lead to more exceptions (weakening) in our aura.
Boundaries Create Safety
When you build strong boundaries and aura, others may not like what you choose to do or not to do, but they respect it and feel safe around you. Imagine someone with a strong boundary coming from a grounded space. How do they make you feel? Likely, you feel safe because you know what they say comes from a grounded space. It’s not a momentary decision that will change the next minute. And they don’t play any game with you, saying they don’t want to go somewhere while secretly hoping you persuade them to join you.
Their word is the law. What they say stays. It can be trusted.
You can relax in their presence because you know that the other person knows how to take care of themselves. Even if they say no to you, you know that it’s likely for the highest good because it’s a soul-aligned decision for them. When someone speaks their truth, it usually aligns with, enriches, or complements someone else’s truth.
This means that what works for me works for others, too, as long as my choice comes from the deep stable space within me, not from my ego or wounding.
Boundaries bring clarity to relationships. They are an invitation to come to a new higher level of configuration. Both parties can look at the topic at hand and see what a new level of alignment would look like.
Let’s say you ask your sibling to talk to your parents about something important to you. Your sibling refuses. Now, you have to talk to your parents, which means a new level of harmony is being created. Maybe you’ll be able to have a deep conversation with your parents which you didn’t have before. Or it’ll force you to get stronger and in alignment with what you want to communicate, so it no longer matters how they take it.
Strong Aura = Firm Boundaries
When the aura is strong, others respect us. Your energy communicates to people your boundaries without using words. On the other hand, if the aura is weak, then others don’t take it seriously when you state your boundary.
Others respect you when you respect yourself.
Imagine the aura being like a balloon. When the balloon is filled with air, no one can push it. It’s already filled. On the other hand, if the aura doesn’t have enough “air,” someone can push it, squeeze it, or do whatever they want to do with it.
The goal is to make your aura so strong that others can feel and respect it.
Do These Exercises to Strengthen Your Aura and Your Boundaries
We addressed how to build strong boundaries from a mental perspective; now, we’ll look at it from an energetic perspective. To build strong boundaries, we need to strengthen the aura.
- Think about your aura as a sacred space around you. It has a certain dimension, texture, feel, and quality to it. Close your eyes and feel your personal energy space. How strong is it? How far-reaching is it? A big aura doesn’t necessarily mean a strong aura. If your aura feels small, it will eventually naturally grow if you make it strong, healthy, and vibrant. Quality over quantity here.
- Feel the boundary of your aura and realize that this is your sacred space. You’re in its center, and nothing external can penetrate your aura unless you let it.
- Feel your boundary for a few minutes, and then imagine that your Spirit’s energy spirals down through the crown filling up your sacred space.
- Once you feel the aura is filled with your Spirit, focus on holding the boundary. Don’t shrink. Just hold it as it is.
This is the first version of the exercise. If you want to add another step later, you can visualize some situations where strong boundaries feel difficult. See the situation playing out in front of you and focus on holding your boundary regardless.
This visualization teaches your body not to collapse when something negative happens, and it naturally helps you build strong boundaries.
The Best Exercise for a Strong Aura
I work with clients daily without taking their energy in and without their energy impacting me. How is it possible? About six years ago, one exercise dropped into my mind, and as I kept practicing this exercise, I noticed that people’s energies and emotions no longer impacted me.
Since then, I have guided hundreds of clients with this exercise, witnessing their aura getting stronger, and it became easier to stay centered and aligned with their soul power.
No words describe how this one tool has changed my life. If you want to strengthen your aura naturally, you can get the guided meditation HERE.