Losing yourself in a relationship is an act of self-betrayal. Over the years, you’ve allowed your essence to fade away. You’ve chosen to disappear into the other person until you couldn’t find yourself anymore. You may wonder whether you’ve been sleeping all along and if you can ever come back to yourself.
Why Are You Losing Yourself in a Relationship?
Everyone has lost themselves in a relationship. The reasons are many. But what stands at the heart is the fear of not being accepted. And the other person walking away from us if we are ourselves.
Whole life we’ve been conditioned to fit into someone else’s idea of who we should be. From childhood, when we had to be obedient children to the schooling system and work, there was no space left for individuality.
Thus we start “fixing” ourselves which disconnects from our very essence to the point that we no longer recognize ourselves anymore.
We suppress the pain of losing ourselves by numbing our feelings and getting busy and striving for the things that we don’t actually even enjoy.
When we enter a relationship, we feel love because the other person can see who we are. They see what we’ve long forgotten. And by re-meeting our true selves through their eyes, we start to fall in love with who we are. That’s why love is so intoxicating and beautiful. It brings us closer to ourselves. After the initial phase (although it can last years), we gradually slip into the conditioned self which is used to self-sabotage and restrict itself.
As you start losing yourself in a relationship, your subconscious mind will create disconnection and drama in the relationship. But it’s all about your relationship with yourself. Relationships reflect what we don’t want to recognize within ourselves. So we see our inner world through the other person.
Romantic relationships are mere mirrors of your inner world.
Losing yourself in a relationship happens because you’ve been taught that you’re not enough. You’ve been persuaded that you have to cut off parts of yourself to be loved and make someone stay with you.
These beliefs aren’t true even though they’re deeply ingrained in you. The reason why someone has fallen in love with you is that you WERE your true self with them. They could see the shine in your eyes and feel the warmth and kindness of your heart. If people would change their conditioning from their early years, they could create the most beautiful relationships where both partners stayed true to who they are.
How to Stop Losing Yourself in a Relationship
In my early twenties, I could feel that I was losing myself next to my partner. Yet, I was scared to leave for many reasons, and all of them were just illusions of my subconscious mind. After I did leave, I realized that losing myself was the worst thing I could do in my life.
When you’re losing yourself in a relationship, you feel the clock ticking. You know that you’re wasting your life, and yet it drains the energy out of your body so you can’t make yourself leave.
As I was putting pieces of my heart, soul, and joy back together, I promised myself that this was the last time it happened. And I want to share with you 7 tips on what to do when you start losing yourself in a relationship, and you want to stay with your partner. Because the truth is that it’s about us more than anyone else.
1. Who Am I Without Them?
If you’ve been long with someone, you start to forget who you’d be on your own. You do most things together. Synergy is a beautiful thing. But when you feel like you no longer know what YOU want, it’s important to create a sacred distance in your relationship.
The chances are that your partner doesn’t want you to lose yourself in a relationship. And if they do, then run away. Fast. Sometimes we voluntarily start merging with the partner when they would be happier if we kept those hobbies, friends, qualities that they have fallen in love with.
To figure out what you want and who you are without them, journal on these questions:
What would I do now if I were alone? Ex., how would you relax in your free time Saturday morning?
If I didn’t have to think about what my partner wants, what would I want to experience in my life?
Of course, you should be on the same page with your partner. But sometimes we restrict ourselves when it’s not necessary. For instance, starting a new hobby might add more joy to your relationship. When you’re happy, they’re happy too.
2. Are You Giving Your Power Away?
When you’re losing yourself in a relationship, some part of you has withdrawn from your life. Unconsciously, you may be giving your power away. It’s time to change it.
Do you actively participate in the decisions of your life?
Where are you taking on excessive responsibility or counting on your partner a little too much?
As two sovereign beings, you should both participate in the direction of your life. Perhaps you’ve stopped sharing some of your dreams or needs. To stop losing yourself in a relationship, you have to claim responsibility for where your common life is heading.
3. Inner Masculine and Feminine
You feel like you’re losing yourself when your inner masculine and feminine are not balanced. This may look like becoming your weaker and more fragile self for women. Or assuming too much pressure for providing for a family for men. Of course, there are many other ways how our inner masculine and feminine can be misaligned.
Part of our current evolutionary journey is related to balancing our inner masculine and feminine. Take a look inside and see whether your inner man and woman find a common dialogue. Do they collaborate? Or do they fight?
When your inner masculine and feminine are wobbly, you project one of them on your partner and assume that they’ll do their job. Then you’re losing yourself in a relationship because you’re not in touch with your inner second half.
4. Your Vision
The fastest way to losing yourself in a relationship is to detach from your dreams and long-term vision. The subconscious mind convinces you that you can’t do this or that now that you’re not single. So you stop even trying to dream.
We need to feel that our lives are leading to something greater. If we give up on our dreams, we lose joy and purpose in life. We become an automaton.
Regardless of whether you’re a parent, spouse, or partner, your life doesn’t end when you’re in a relationship. Connect to your vision and start taking action. Include your loved ones. You living your purpose is a win to your beloved ones too.
5. Know Your Worth
Knowing your worth is the single most important thing that changes everything. When you feel worthy, you stand in your power, and you don’t let yourself be swept away by other people.
Owning your worth is not about being selfish. It’s about realizing and fully owning the fact that your life is sacred and also short. You can’t afford to waste your time on the wrong things or with the wrong people.
When you know your worth, you stop playing games with yourself and others. You stop proving something to your partner. Instead, you take the lead of your life. You don’t unconsciously slip into the role of how a good spouse should look like. When you know your worth, you’re on fire. You live your purpose.
6. Me Time
You need to have a ‘me time’ which is undefined by your relationship. This one is obvious even if you’re not losing yourself in a relationship. But how many people have strong will enough to do it?
Return to your morning or evening routines. Go back to your old hobbies. And enjoy every second of it. Because if you don’t spend time alone, you start losing track of who you are. Get in touch with yourself. Take yourself on a date alone. Do what brings you joy, just because—no need to justify or explain it to others.
No matter what anyone says, relationship without equality can’t be fulfilling. If one of you is parenting the other one or being a victim, it won’t work.
Equality means that you’re both actively participating in your decisions and the future. Your voices matter, and you have the same freedom to pursue your happiness as a couple and also separately. You take each other’s opinions seriously, and you respect one another.
If you’re losing yourself in a relationship, likely, your relationship isn’t equal. Is it possible that you don’t share what you want? Could you participate more in making your own decisions? Take a look within, and see where the inequality comes from and then take baby steps to change it.